Memo: I Hate Your Kids

Suddenly, in my codger-y mid-twenties, I've noticed that other peoples' horrible, screaming kids are EVERYWHERE. Fucking everywhere. And their parents appear to be completely lacking control over them.

Look, I was a kid once. I remember it. I was bullheaded, but I was also a bit shy and quiet, and I was also relatively precocious. When there were other people around, I may have fought with my brother, but that was the most of my transgressions, and if you'd have had my fucking attention-monger LOOKIT ME LOOKIT ME I CAN'T SIT STILL YET NO ONE GAVE ME RITALIN UNTIL I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL! ass of a brother and had been like me, you would've gotten into tussles with him, too.

That said, I was not THESE kids and my parents were not THEIR parents. Yeah, okay, my dad might've spanked us and my mom might've slapped us. But we were OUT OF LINE. It's obvious to me, via my observations of this upcoming generation, that the "Time Outs" game does not work.

And so herein lies my rant. I hate your fucking kids.

Your kids scream at the beach, and it wakes me up while I am trying to sleep happily on the sand. Your kids also kick sand on me when they haphazardly run by. You do not admonish them to walk. Also, I am sitting near you and you talk to your kids like they're morons, using that stupid mommy storytime voice FOR EVERYTHING. I kind of want to send your kids to boot camp and kill you with that huge umbrella you brought.

Your kids are all over the fucking place at IKEA. Which moron's idea was it to bring their kids to Ikea, anyway? I have a hard time getting out of there in under an hour when I'm NOT looking for something. I've spent close to four hours there when I was. Get my drift? It is not a place for kids. Kids get BORED. Even I, who would have loved that store, with all its touchable displays, would have gotten BORED there after an hour or so. Plus your kids are all underfoot this way and that and for God's sake, do you always let them run around like that? I hate you.

Your kids are loud on the bus. LOUD. I can hear them over my iPod's dulcet tones. They are running around the bus touching things with their unwashed hands, and they don't get on and off the bus in a quiet, orderly fashion, either. And neither do you, with your huge, stupid stroller. Why are you carrying your baby around when you have the WORLD'S LARGEST STROLLER? I will beat you with it.

That's all the ranting I can do for one day, but please keep in mind that I'm really not a violent person. I just wish you'd shut your goddamn kids up.