Spitiquette

I've been walking around Boston a lot lately, and I've been noticing something: LOOGIES ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK. People, this is not cool. Please stay tuned for this PSA from Bostonia Rantida:

Hi folks. I have one really bad habit that I just can't shake. Why? I've been doing it since I was a baby. See, my dad was a baseball player, and only a couple years out of the farm teams when I was born. So he still had a major spitting habit. And it was something I quickly picked up. My mom told me that when I was about 1, my dad took me for a bike ride, sticking me in the little kids seat. When he rolled back to our little house, mom watched him hock one in the street ... and behind him, I leaned my head over the side of the bike, making baby spitting noises. "Ptooey!" Living on a sailboat for large chunks of my childhood just enforced the habit ... it was like sailing on a giant spittoon.

So I'm a lost cause. But here's the thing. I'm a POLITE spitter. And also, I know how to do it. None of that spray stuff like most girls do.

So here are my rules of Spitiquette.

1. Spit in the street. DO NOT hock loogs on the sidewalk. That is just gross.

2. Spit in sewer grates when possible. You may not always make your mark, but it's nice to try. This goes double for gum chewers. Don't spit your gum out in the street! And don't put it on the bottom of the chair at Fenway, either! You're the reason one of my skirts got ruined last summer. Jerk.

3. Spit at trees. Or in gardens or shrubberies or whatever. Spit can be concealed and perhaps absorbed by natural things instead of taunting you from the concrete or bricks.

4. Don't make the noise. You know, the loogie-hocking noise. It's gross and usually unnecessary unless you're pretty sick. In which case, what are you doing walking around outside? Go curl up in a blanket and eat some soup and hock those loogies into a Kleenex.

5. LOOK BEFORE YOU SPIT! I cannot stress this enough. Especially if it's windy, and it usually is around here. Spitting on someone, accidental or not, is just not cool.

I hope that you spitters out there will take this advice to heart. I'm only looking out for your best interests. Spit friendly!